Retailer's Nightmare: How men can have fun with their wives

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Recently, my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.   Dear Mrs. Samuel,   Over the past few months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.   1.        June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2.        July 2: He set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3.        July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4.        July 19: He walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in housewares. Get on it right away.' This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. 5.        August 4: He approached the service desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway. 6.        August 14: He moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7.        August 15: He set up a tent in the sporting goods department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from housewares - to which twenty children obliged. 8.        August 23: When a clerk asked if she could help him, he bagan crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMT's were called. 9.        September 4: He looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10.        September 10: While handling guns in the sporting goods department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were located. 11.        October 3: He darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme music to 'Mission Impossible.' 12.        October 6: In the auto department, by using different sizeds of funnels he practiced his 'Madonna' look. 13.        October 18: He hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14.        October 21: When an announcement came over the intercom system, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' 15.        And last but not least, on October 23: He entered a fitting room, shut the door, waited a short while and then very loudly yelled, 'HEY, THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE.' At which point, one of the attending clerks passed out.